Week 35: New Year, Should It Be A New You?

Week 35: has me thinking. I work in marketing and every year in January they all have the New Year, New You promotions going on. I came to thinking… it is not really about a new you but simply improving who you already are, no?

I think, I am pretty great. I am a good person, I care about others, I love my husband, my family and friends and I take my job seriously and make the most of it even though it is not my favorite job. So all in all, I am not a bad version of myself. However, there might be room for improvements. So should it, instead be Line 2.0? Sorta like an upgrade?

I do not think it is a bad idea to put the past year into perspective to see if there is something you would want to do differently, change or upgrade. We are not perfect, we are humans after all. I have therefore been thinking about the past year, the good, the bad and the really ugly and I encourage you to do the same and comment below with your thoughts, ideas or even if you think there are things I need to improve on or things that I am succeeding in (flatter will get you everywhere 😉 ).

The Good:
I started taking my health more seriously. I went to the doctor and I followed her instructions which actually got my cholesterol to a good place (still room for improvement). I should continue this interest and involvement with my own health so I have already made a list of doctors I need to reach out to. I need to find myself a good Gynecologist (if you know of anyone in New York, let me know), I need a new psychologist (they have to specialize in Childhood Abuse, so this one might take a while and a few tries), I need a new dentist, I am REALLY uncomfortable with dentists so I need someone who is not mean and who takes into account that I will be deathly scared of him/her and lastly, but not least, an ophthalmologist (yeah, I had to google that name, no way I could spell that without looking it up first). I have NEVER had my eyes checked so I should probably get on that, since both my parents wear glasses and both have challenges in that department. If any of you live in or have lived in New York and have great recommendations please let me know (you can comment or message me).

Mike and I have really focused on being there for each other and it is paying off. I do not think, I have ever been this in love with my husband as I am currently. It is the best and strangest thing ever. The love just seems to continuously grow. I remember growing up everyone would say that you simply just get to the comfortable stage and “falling in love” turns into “love”, I feel like we are still falling, which I am so excited about. LOVE YOU!

The Bad:
Insignificant Online Fights (IOFs from now on) tend to creep up at times when I communicate online. I need to 1) get better and not sounding like a grumpy B**ch. I have had them with family, friends and random people I do not even know. 2) It is not worth the effort to be discussing subjects with someone I do not even know. I need to get better at just ignoring people that are just trying to egg me on. I always want to be right so that is where it all starts. i should find ways to distract me from these IOFs so that I do not have to deal with them and they should definitely not keep me up at night (they have done that with family members, I just love them to god damn much)…

The Ugly:
Honestly, I tend to be a bit of a b**ch. I say this in the nicest way possible but I have at times been selfish and I have not really had the energy to deal with people, especially people that demands too much of me. It has been a year with a deep depression (hence the need for a new psychologist) and therefore the energy simply has not been there. This means that friends have been neglected, family has been neglected (or some of you and I should personally apologize to my father as I have not really been able to be there for him).   This is something I hope, with my active changes for the year (eating based on what gives me energy, getting my vitamin D levels up, seeing a psychologist regularly, again, and keeping up with my exercises should help me be less b**chy and have more energy for people who really deserves my attention and love.

So there you have it. My game plan for 2017. Keep up with my health (physically and emotionally), spread the love and stop wasting positive energy on things that does not really matter. I hope you can all keep me to it and would love to hear what 2017 might look for all of you.

XOXO

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Week 34: A Little Late but Fitting To Write On My Birthday

For some reason, I have been putting off writing the post. Yes, I gained a little but not overwhelmingly so that was no excuse. I think, I simply needed a break from talking, dealing and associating myself with the scale.

I love the support my readers give and the comments that are sent my way but sometimes focusing every second of every day around can or should I eat this food and did I exercise enough today and if so did it warrant a treat? At times you just need a break to just not go insane.

It was great with some time without having to think about EVERY little choice and I am sure it made my holidays a little merrier. I had a great time celebrating with family and treating myself, and as usual it is one of the few times a year I see Mike in a nice suit and he looks so handsome in those things.

New Year’s Eve was as always great but I feel like the entire earth is on edge with what is to come. I must admit that I do not have many Trump supporter friends out there but I know the people exist since he will become the president of the United States in a few days. It is going to be a tumultuous, emotional and frighting time for me and I know a lot of my friends feel the same but we all have different reasons. Trump is all about the unexpected, so we are all holding our breaths to see what will happen next and crossing our fingers that the world won’t crash and burn.

As always, I have been looking forward to my birthday but with the exchange of power happening and to a man that scares so many people, it is one that has a lot of anticipation, hesitation and a need to just focus on what makes me happy in the moment and surrounding myself with good people. This fear that has slowly crept up in me since the election is definitely a huge trigger for me so any support my way if you have the extra energy and capacity would be much appreciated.

On a more happy note. I only gained 3 pounds from last time so that I can take care of easily 😀 And as I posted on Facebook a couple of days ago, Mike, finally, went through his last boxes from California and I can now get started on the next phase of nesting (yes, that is a thing! Mike did not know the term, nesting and thought I was REALLY ODD). Talking about odd… there were some odd things in those boxes. Old box of mix for Creme Brulee, a diamond ring (for a little girl, not that kind of ring… yes, I know what you were thinking), a whole box of VHS tapes. Yes, that is right, now he has to spend the next 10 years going through the tapes god forbid there is something on them that he want to watch or keep. Did I mention we do not have a VHS player and I was thinking, if you had forgotten about the VHS tapes and haven’t looked at them for 10 years, they are probably not that important. Suffice to say – Mike and I do not think a like when it comes to stuff. But going through the boxes was like second Christmas. It was a present to just get rid of the boxes but also to open them. They were like little mystery boxes and you are sorta excited to know what is inside. I have been wondering for 7 years, so think the anticipation time was a bit long.

We, also, took advantage of the holidays and we got to go to 3 museums, a play, several food related events, hang out with friends and simply just having time to be silly. I love the compilation of pictures this time.

Well, until next time…

XOXO

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Week 30: Love The Holidays!

It is that time of year for holiday cheer and well you know how it goes… Needless to say, those of you who know me well, knows that I LOVE Christmas time. I have been trying to think about what it is about Christmas that makes me love it so much. It is certainly not fond family memories, they only came as an adult as a child they were disastrous, always drama and always fighting so as a kid I hated Christmas. I, always, got disappointed.

So what changed? I think it is just the mood of the season. The joy, anticipation and simply knowing that it is all about family and friends. As always, I promise myself I can’t listed to Christmas music until December 1st. This year it changed as Mike convinced me that after Santa has entered the Macy’s parade that is when Christmas starts so I have listened to Christmas music since. Yes, it plays on repeat at my house. So much so that on Friday evening, the day after Thanksgiving, Mike declared that he was over Christmas music for the season already. Good thing I do not care what he wants when it comes to Christmas.

Even though, I have not played Christmas music for that long I feel like this season has been a lot longer than it normally is…. and I love it! I hope you are all enjoying your Holidays as well, be it Christmas or Hanukkah.

Great segue to tell you all about what my Christmas season has looked like so far. My season started with the Silver Hill Gala, best gala in a looooong time and honestly, I just love how we look, Mike and I, when we dress up.

After the gala my friend Dorte came to visit and as always we were spoiled and had the best time. She brought a Christmas Advent Calendar (Julekalender, for those of you who speak Danish, as the two are VERY different concepts for Danes) and a bunch of Christmas decoration stuff – Danish style of course! We went to Macy’s to check out their sale as most Danes come to shop as it is usually a lot cheaper than in Denmark. I think we had more fun trying some of their Christmas outfits than actual shopping.

(Not sure what my tongue is doing but it is a fun picture).

Then the city finally started decorating for Christmas and our building was no exception and it was time for Thanksgiving and my Christmas Party. Of course I do not have any pictures of that but I do have a picture of the Christmas tree in the building.

 

When my sis came to New York is when Christmas really started. Family and with a Christmas walk up through 5th avenue… if you can’t get into the Christmas spirit after that, there is no hope for you. The Saks windows and light show with the Rockefeller Christmas tree and decorations. It is gorgeous. I am not going to show any pictures as you have to come and check it out and honestly, no picture or video will do it justice.

It was great seeing my sister and her boyfriend though and until I got sick we had a great time together.

And tonight we have our company Christmas party.

As you can tell, we are busy busy busy and the holiday fun is not letting up which is why I in the beginning of December announced that my goal for December is simply to stay on the weight that I am 220lb. I still go to the gym and do my work outs otherwise I would not be able to stay at 220 but I can be a bit more lenient when it comes to food and drinks. You gotta have fun during Christmas!

Talk to everyone in a couple of weeks and for the December weigh-in.

Xoxo

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Week 28: Status Report

I can’t believe it has been 28 weeks already. Where did the time go?

Well, I guess, I have to catch you up on what has happened this past month. As you can tell from the picture, I am now down to 220.6lb (99.9kg) and I have officially lost my first 20lb (9kg) (actually 22lb (10kg) but I skipped the 20 so… I still want to celebrate). I can now say that I am under a 100 kilos. It is a number, I always told myself I would NEVER get above. Yet here, I was… Waaaaay over 100 kilos. My next goal is to get to 195lb (88 kilos). That was what I weighed 7 years ago. Shortly after I had meet Mike, I had to go to the doctor and she did a full check up and my number was 195lb. She was kind enough (read a little sarcasm in between the lines) to tell me that I was over weight and should consider loosing some. Well, thank you doctor and I then gained 50+ lb (23kg) after that… yikes!

So the new year will bring me to that goal. 195lb and I will be back in “Onederland” and Mike will get back the body he first knew, or at least somewhat. A 50lb weight gain WILL make changes to your body that you can’t undo unfortunately. And they are not flattering changes. I have these fat pockets by my hipbones, you know the ones that normally protrudes on skinny girls and that gets highlighted as something sexy because it signals that they are skinny and therefore beautiful?? Yeah, mine… not protruding but hiding from the world under an inch of fat. Hopefully, I can dig them out a bit.

Last time, I wrote, I had signed up for an 8K in January. Unfortunately, my legs did not want to come with me, or at least my one shin. Every time I would start running it would burn, burn like something in my muscle was tearing apart so I decided I needed to stop running and let my body heal. I have still been going to the gym but staying away from any high impact workouts. I have had running tests done a few times and I know that I tend towards overpronation when running, which means when running I need a shoe that supports my arch. My current shoe is neutral, meaning you do not lean more to one side or the other on your foot when running, which means it has not given me the support that I need. I knew this when I started running but the shoes that really helps me are so darn expensive. Well lesson learned. Don’t be cheap if you run. You need the right shoe. Needless to say. I will not be making my 8K in January but I will train for a run in March instead with my new shoes having just arrived and it will give me enough time to start out slow. Will keep you posted on the progress.

And now for my December plans. Can you believe it is already December? Well, we all know that after Thanksgiving all bets are off when it comes to your diet so my goal for this season is simple. Don’t gain weight.

If I can stand on the scale on January 2nd and it still says 220lb. I will be a happy woman (I almost wrote girl, but who am I kidding… can’t pass for one of those anymore). Any motivation you can send my way to get my butt out the door and to the gym is very welcome as I will need it for these cold, dark December days. I believe my friend offered to text me in the morning. If you are still up for that. I need to get out of bed at 5am in the morning. I will happily text you as well as we need to get out in the mornings.

Next week my sister is coming and that will be a test in itself. That I go even though she will be here and I would just want to sleep as I would probably be tired but please kick me out of that bed as I really need to get up and get out.

Well, that was it for now.

 

Xoxo

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Week 24: Grateful and now go VOTE!

It has been too long. No excuses really. Just been busy, sick and tired at around 7pm.

I am excited though. I had my first morning of running training (pretty sure this is incorrect but have no idea of how else to phrase this properly, feel free to come with suggestions). I have not been running in a really long time.

Two years I ran. 10K and I hurt my knees. I am not the lightest of people so running is tough on the knees. I, therefore,  took a break but the break became a bit longer than anticipated. So I am excited to say that I signed myself up for a 5Miler (8K) on January 8th. So I have 9 weeks to get back in running shape. I know it is a bit ambitious but I can always walk the last bit should I need to.

I must admit this was inspired by my friend Chelsea who just ran the New York City Marathon. She kicks ass. She, like me, has already been through her weightloss journey and has learned to skill the “maintaining journey”. I don’t say that I can or will ever run a marathon but I would like to get back to my 10K shape and then see where my weight is. Running a marathon with my current weight is not the best of ideas.

Since last time I wrote I have been in Denmark and have since come home. The image above (the scale) is from when I returned. Sorta proud that I only put on 3 pounds while I was away and I must say that I would not have been able to keep on track had it not been for my sisters support. It made me realize that no matter where I am in the world or in life I have great support around me. Which is everything. This weight thing I certainly can’t do on my own.

That being said. It is me that has to get up at 5AM in the morning to go work out and me that has to say no to fun with friends so I don’t get tempted by alcohol or sugars. I am so proud of my husband that he sticks by me even when it sucks and I mess up.

As you can tell, I have a week where I am simply grateful for the people around me and I hope friends and family read this and know how much I appreciate their support, love and words.

I am not an expert in loosing weight (clearly) and I am not sure where this blog will take me but I know that it is a great motivator. My husband is my constant blog reminder. Had it not been for him I probably would not have posted since June. I know this was not my intention with the blog but I have now dedicated a specific time during the week for the blog. It should help me get more organized and post more regularly.

Also, now I have my running training to keep you updated on. Very exciting stuff. Should be said it felt great being on a running schedule, again. Lets see how it feels when I have to get up tomorrow at 5:30AM to get my walking done before my day starts.

And people tomorrow is the big day so go vote. I don’t think I have ever been this nervous for an election. Sucks that I can’t vote this time around. All I can do is urge all of my American friends and family to vote and make their voices heard.

I know that I should not throw with stones when I live in a glass house myself (just look at the current racist Danish government) but America has a bit more power than small Denmark so this more than anything counts. Think twice before putting that dot and please elect someone you think is worthy for the right reasons. Check the facts. Read the candidates proposals for the country and fact check again. There is one day left so don’t vote with your heart but vote with that beautiful brain of yours that I know you all have.

Well that was my election rant. See you all next week!

Xoxo

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Week 18: Getting Too Busy

Week 18: I must admit, I do not have a recent picture from my scale but I went up and then down. Now I am around 224lb (101.6kg). As I am currently, in a summer home in Denmark I do not have access to a scale so I will have to skip the most recent image.

I would not say being in Denmark is any easier. Food is abundant and there is always an excuse. I am trying hard to stay on the straight and arrow but I have fallen into the cakes a few times. I have instead been working out almost every day. I had completely forgotten how much I enjoy swimming.

Luckily, my family has been a great support and have been working out with me most of the days I have been here. Having been away from Denmark for so many years, I am starting to appreciate it more and more. And I still love our nature. Denmark is beautiful.

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I know, I have not written in 7 weeks which is not really great, both for my own progress but also, for you my kind readers. Work got insane and I honestly did not really have the energy if I also had to focus on my gym time. I will say though that even though the scale is not showing it I feel much better and my clothes fits just right now. Feels great!

I am still keeping my motivation and I am still trying to make the right choices but I do keep falling into the same issue of having excuses. I need to not even think about excuses. I, honestly, do not have any excuses. Not any good excuses anyways.

How do you all get motivated when you have to do something you do not particularly enjoy? Usually, music helps. It distracts me and I can sing along which makes me feel better (I might be addicted to singing). Any distractions really. As long as it keeps me from thinking about treats. Although, I am the kind of person that needs downtime and just needs to lay in bed and watch TV which is the time where I tend to eat things I should not (this is when I am alone, though). So I can’t have “downtime” alone. Mike always has to be with me. I really should figure out how to not crave sweets the way that I do when I am alone.

I have been thinking a lot about why I crave sweets, usually when I am alone and I do not have anything special on my agenda. Why is it that it is when I am alone and when I can’t distract myself. I think there are a few reasons for this. One, my childhood. Whenever, I would come home from school, I would be alone and I would, like I do to this day, go through all of our kitchen cabinets to find food. After finding whatever treats I could find, I would go in front of the TV and have my “alone time” before my family would get home. I do the exact same thing today. Is this a sign that I need to grow up? Or has the routine just become that? A routine? How do I break that routine?

That is my next project in my weightloss adventure. How do I break my habits of eating in front of the TV? I have already spent hours researching this so I have a few ideas already. One thing, I can think of first hand is. I am incredibly bad at making sure that I have healthy snack foods in the fridge. I need to create more healthy snack foods around me so I can exchange the bad foods with the healthy. I do not think my “downtime” is a bad thing. We all need it. It just does not have to be focused around sweets. If I could kick the habit completely that would be great but lets take small steps and see if having healthier options in the fridge and ready to go would not be a help.

Should any of you have great knowledge or ideas on how to kick my bad habit of eating junk in front of the computer please do not hesitate to leave a comment below. I am open to ideas and if I think I could incorporate the idea, I might even write about my experience.

Have a great day from Denmark!

XOXO

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Week 11: Cholesterol

Week 11: It has been a while since last. Times at work got crazy so I prioritized my husband and my work outs in my spare time. It seems to have worked out. I am now at 226.4lb (102.5kg) which is a loss of 7 lb (3.2kg) from 3 weeks ago. The week after I got back from my mini vacation was a little tough so I must admit that the 6 of the 7 pounds have come off the past two weeks but hey nothing is perfect.

One of the reasons I started this journey was due to my health. I am not deadly ill but I do have among other things high cholesterol which is one of the main causes of heart diseases. The number 1 cause of death in America. I don’t want to be a statistic and looking at my family’s health I could very easily become one. My parents are not too healthy and I have certainly inherited some of their habits. Habits which I am trying hard to break but that is not what this post is about. I wanted to give some information about cholesterol. I do not think people are aware or want to be faced with what it means to have high cholesterol. And there certainly are many myths about it.

High cholesterol aren’t only seen in overweight/obese people. It can hit anyone especially if they have high amounts of fat intake. Because overweight and obese folks (like myself) would not get to our size without eating a lot of fats in our diet you will see an increasingly high number of overweight and obese people with high cholesterol.

I got myself into this mess by not controlling my binges, which was usually a combination of ice cream, cake, nutella on bread or cookies. So yeah, there you go. ALL sugar at fats. It tasted good though but those days have to be over.

Cholesterol is a waxy substance that comes from two sources: your body and food. Your body needs some cholesterol to make hormones, vitamin D, and substances that help you digest foods. Cholesterol travels through your bloodstream in small packages called lipoproteins. These packages are made of fat (lipid) on the inside and proteins on the outside. Two kinds of lipoproteins carry cholesterol throughout your body: low-density lipoproteins (LDL) and high-density lipoproteins (HDL). LDL cholesterol sometimes is called “bad” cholesterol. A high LDL level leads to a buildup of cholesterol in your arteries. HDL cholesterol sometimes is called “good” cholesterol. This is because it carries cholesterol from other parts of your body back to your liver. Your liver removes the cholesterol from your body.

This is a great sum up of Cholesterol from the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute but they don’t mention what the fat is. When you get your cholesterol measured by the doctor. They look at 3 numbers. The LDL (which should be less than 130mg), the HDL (which should be above 46 mg) and lastly the triglycerides.  Triglycerides are a type of fat (lipid) found in your blood. When you eat, your body converts any calories it doesn’t need to use right away into triglycerides. The triglycerides are stored in your fat cells. Later, hormones release triglycerides for energy between meals. If you regularly eat more calories than you burn, particularly “easy” calories like carbohydrates and fats, you may have high triglycerides. Triglycerides needs to be less than 150. I believe in Denmark the doctor usually only gives you one number, HDL Ratio which is a combination of 4 numbers. Your total cholesterol, HDL number, LDL number and your triglycerides. If you have slightly high LDL but still high HDL, you might show up with high cholesterol but since your HDL (the cholesterol that takes away fats) is high you are technically not at high risk of heart diseases so I urge you to ask your doctor for the specific numbers so you have an idea of what number you need to work on and how serious it is.

Personally, my numbers are not in my favor. My HDL is low, my LDL is not high but on the edge and I have a very high amount of triglycerides. Which means I have an excess amount of fat in my bloodstream but not enough HDL to take it away which means my LDL is on the rise (which is what can cause plaque in your arteries, and then lead to heart disease). I need to reverse this trend. That means, try and stay away from binging as best as I can and eliminate high fat foods from my kitchen. This of course, also, means that I need to loose weight so my liver understands that it does not need to keep feeding my body cholesterol.

When I learned about how the cholesterol makes vitamin D in your body and how cholesterol comes into your bloodstream, I had an aha moment. I have had a long period of depression, unusually long for me, I knew I had to check my vitamin D levels (Vitamin D is what helps keep us in a good mood, for example when summer comes around and the sun is out it lifts your spirits. You feel lighter and more happy. This is because the sun is feeding you vitamin D). And sure enough, I am almost at the deficiency level of (only 1 point off) vitamin D. So my binges have not been psychological as I always had thought they were but more likely they were physiological. My body was screaming for more vitamin D so I feed it high fats to create more cholesterol so it could create more vitamin D. Needless to say, I have now started on a high dose of vitamin D. Hope this will help on everything. Still have to go to the gym and watch what I eat but perhaps I can get a little more control over my binging. Crossing my fingers that I might be right. I might not have an eating disorder after all. This sorta excites me.

I recommend if you discover that you have high cholesterol. Do not hesitate to ask your doctor ALL the questions you can think off and perhaps they know of a good website to go to for more information. I am happy that my doctor is not the type that pushes for medication but rather more natural remedies (exercise, low fat diet, fish oil and vitamin D was her prescription). If I work hard at my diet and my weight, she will check my numbers again in 3 months and if I can prove that with some Vitamin D, fish oil (helps on cholesterol), exercise and a healthier diet that I can move the needle on my numbers, she is fine with not prescribing any medication. In fact it seems to be her first choice.

If you like me, can’t control your binges. You have worked on your mental health and feel like you have worked through most of your major issues then you might want to check your vitamin D levels. Especially, if you are in a location where there are more seasons. You might not get enough vitamin D from your foods or the sun. I was naive enough to think I did.

Feel free to comment or reach out if you have any questions. I am not an expert but I have gotten a good sense of where to look for helpful information. But always as your doctor if you can.

Want to give some credit from a few websites that I have been frequently visiting:

http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/Conditions/Cholesterol/AboutCholesterol/About-Cholesterol_UCM_001220_Article.jsp#.V6nCGq0-gsA

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/hbc

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/high-blood-cholesterol/in-depth/triglycerides/art-20048186

XOXO

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Week 8: Support Is Essential

Week 8: If you think you can do it alone… Think again! I have tried so many times loosing the weight on my own and I would be so excited when people would notice the difference but once I got the compliment I would fall back into my old habits.

This time it is all about making my surroundings aware of my plan so they have a chance to support me and be my cheerleader when I need it the most. I am a person who does not have a lot of friends but the ones that I do have, I cherish and I don’t know where I would be today without them.

I love my family and I love my husband but there is nothing like having a friend – a true friend, who will be there for you even when you are being ridiculous, silly or in need of a good verbal spanking.

Claudia, Me, Shelley - Missouri 2016

One of my best friends here in the States moved from Florida to Missouri. She is the quintessential woman of strength. With other words, Shelley is AMAZING! Another best friend of mine, Claudia, fabulous and ‘I am not sure where I would be in life, if it was not for her’ kinda friend, and I decided to trek out to Missouri for a visit.

One of our better ideas, if I may say so myself. It has been a bit of a stressful time, with work, moving, starting the blog and I could go on. Not until I sat on the front porch of my friends, from now Missouri, with a glass of wine in my hand did I realize how badly, I needed a small vacation where I could shut off from the hustle and bustle from daily life and just kick back and enjoy.

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I was on vacation and I was going to enjoy so I decided to have 1 day of just eating and drinking until I could not stand and another day where I would control my portions a bit more but still enjoy the yummy barbecue they have around these parts. It was close to Kansas City and summer time. Perfect for barbecuing. To not completely destroy my last few weeks hard work I also wanted to get a workout in (ideally two but that would have been pushing it).

Margarita for no money...

It is in those times that you realize how amazing your friends are. They went on a workout with me. How amazing is that. In the hot sun of noon they went to the local college football stadium and worked out with me. It was a tough one. The day before we had been merrily drinking and eating the entire day away and I must admit I was a bit hungover Saturday morning, yet they were dressed and ready to go.

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THIS is the type of support and motivation you need at times. People, who are willing to do the hard work with you even when they really do not want to but they love you enough to do it and support you. To Shelley and Claudia, I know you are reading this blog post… I love you and appreciate you! Thank you for the talks, the support and your thoughts.

So my advise to anyone trying to loose weight. Lean on your friends and loved ones when it is tough and good choices are hard to make. And as you can see, just because you are traveling, there are no excuses not to work out!

xoxo

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Week 7: Time To Concur A Fear

Week 7, this week I will skip the pictures besides from my number above. As you can see I managed to loose almost 2lb (1kg). I am pretty proud of myself. 2lb includes 4th of July celebrations and my husband and I’s three year anniversary.

This week will be about me facing or at least acknowledging my fear of loosing weight. I know this sounds odd but hear me out.

First of all, when it comes down to loosing weight, I am the one who needs to do it. I am the one putting food in my mouth and I am the one making the choices about what I put in and digest. I am also the one who makes the decision about when to go to the gym and how long and hard that workout needs to be. I have talked myself into eating things I should not and skipped the gym when I shouldn’t and I will probably keep doing that until the day I die but if I could just somehow be okay with not using food as an excuse or a tool. A tool to hide from the world, a tool to not reach my full potential that would be a wonderful day.

Like most people who are overweight, obese or just think they weigh a little too much, I have tried so many different things. Here are just to mention a few:

  • Electricity through my body (which my mother brought me to as a teenager)
  • Diets (the amount of diets a innumerable at this point but I tried the first with my mother, cabbage diet I believe was the first one, then the Atkinson diet and I could go on and on and on)
  • Well meaning suggestions but somehow they always came out cruel (my aunt and uncle thought it appropriate to tell me every time they saw me that I should bike more, did I mention that I biked at least 7miles (10km) every day as a teenager? They were convinced that then I would loose weight – they believed me to be overweight – mind you that I was technically not overweight, I just looked that way. I was 5 feet 5 inches (1.65 meter) and weighed between 132 and 143lb (60-65kg))
  • I tried starving myself (No one really noticed that I did not eat. I would sit with my mother and my step-father at the very small table, yet they never noticed that I sorta just bounced the potato back and forth, would pretend going for seconds and sit down with even less than when I got up to get seconds and then bounce the potato back and forth again, as if I was still eating – mind-boggling today but I did not think of it back then).
  • I tried trowing up after every meal or at least whenever I had a meal and that would usually only happen once a day (this lasted for almost a year and a half and I was never as skinny as then (120lb/55kg), although probably not the most healthy).

Suffice to say, none of my strategies were a huge success. I am obese and I have never weighed as much as I do now. Which leads me to think, that I am going at this weightloss thing the wrong way. If I look at what I have already gone through and if I ask myself, why do I feel the need to hide, that might lead me somewhere. If I could crack the code of WHY and combining it with a little bit of love and respect for myself, no matter what other people think, then I might get somewhere.

When I read this, I sorta wanna cry… I seems a little daunting and just the fact that I have to realize that I really do not like myself, I don’t love myself and least of all my body. It is a shame as I do think I am a good person who cares. I try to do my best every day, I just get hard on myself and question why I feel the need to point out every time I fail, instead of giving myself a pad on the back and tell myself that I did an amazing job and be proud of the good choices that I have made instead of getting down on myself for the bad choices that I make.

Perhaps, it is time for some soul searching and figuring out why I feel the need to hide, why I am so hard on myself. I already have an idea of some of this but I think that is what some of my posts will have to be about. Brutal honesty. The good, the bad and the very very ugly.

I will have to apologize as I know that I might hurt some people along the way but I think the only way to the other side is through and that is not a time to be considerate and think about how other people feel. It is time that things are about me and what I need to do in order to heal and get the most out of life. I owe it to my husband, I owe it to my family and I owe it to myself, most importantly.

Be on the look out for the next weekly post!

xoxo

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Week 6: Moving Chaos

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Week 6, I have to apologize for my absence. In the beginning of June (right after my last post) we were told that our lease was up and it was time to move out. If you are a friend who are or have lived in New York you know the challenge of finding an apartment here in New York so everything was set in to finding an apartment and thus, my blog suffered.

But I am back! Not much lighter but considering the circumstances I am just happy that I did not gain. I went down to 239.4lb (108.59kg) which was a loss of .6lb (0.3kg). It was a time of eating out and stressing. First with finding a place and then having to move and live among moving boxes for the first week.

After 2 weeks of intense searching we found the perfect apartment and I am living without a roommate (I do not consider my husband my roommate 😉 ) for the first time in almost 8 year. It is a miracle! Never thought that was going to happen. Apartments here in New York are expensive and often small if you do not look in the right neighborhood. We were lucky enough to find a rent stabilized apartment in our favorite neighborhood and we only had to move 3 blocks away. Yay! It is still quite an increase from what we used to pay but we thought why not? We can afford it now and we have lived with roommates for a long time. My husband has lived with roommates even longer than me (coming up on 10 years). It was time for a change.

So here we are after packing and moving and spending a few days looking for extra furniture and unpacking. You do not really realize how much crap you have until you move and we have agreed that nothing gets put away unless we have both gone through it as we need to get rid of stuff. There are boxes that has not been opened the past 10 years so who knows that is in them. I dread the day we get to those boxes. It is going to be all Yankee and ex-girlfriend memorabilia. Just found a pillow case with “Mike, I love you! – Name of ex-girlfriend. Eak! Well suffice to say.. said pillow case is no longer with us.

Here are a few pictures of the chaos that is our home at the moment:

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The kitchen is the most sorted room so far. We picked up a kitchen cart yesterday which is not in the picture But it will be located be the window you can see on the left side.

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Our new entry way. With a tall closet and our buffet table (currently holding all of my empty bags). Should be nice once everything is set up so in a couple of month you will see the final result. I hope!

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Our living room. Some has been set up but as you can see it is mostly holding all of the stuff that we actually have to go through. Mind you we have already gone through roughly 10 boxes worth of stuff and we have thrown out 4 box, 3 boxes to give away and we have kept 3 boxes. I like how we are headed with this sorting.

My challenge now is to find days where I can go to the gym and still have time to cook, unpack and so forth. I do have long work days so time can be challenging. Especially, when I insist on at least 7 hours of sleep. But I hope with summer Fridays (every other Friday I get off at work) that I can eventually make a dent in all this stuff.

I must admit. I have not had the great start to my weightloss that I thought I would have but at least it is a weight off my shoulders finally having my own place and I now have a chance to fulfill my need for nesting. I am female after all…

XOXO

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