More often than not, I have to remind myself why I am not eating the cookie I want or why I should not just stop logging all that touches my tongue. Always thinking about what I eat, weighing whether or not I should eat it. Did I do enough to eat this amount of calories, what is my carb, fat, protein ratio, have I had enough calories to eat, have I enough calories left over for a spoonful of ice cream? All questions I ask myself on a daily basis and honestly, sometimes it gets tiring always have to weigh the options, calculate the intake and the list continues. When I am getting too fed up, that is when I dig into my arsenal of inspirations.
I believe I mentioned inspiration a few months ago as I was recommitting myself to loosing the weight. But I wanted to bring back the subject as it is more important than we think to have small things that keep us going on a regular basis, especially if you end up like me, needing several weeks to see any progress on the scale.
Last night I wanted to stuff my face with anything that had sugar and fat. A really strong urge. One of those where you can’t help but be proud of yourself if you end up not giving in. I had 1/2 a cup of ice cream and well within my calories. I was proud. But one thing I reminded myself of was how uncomfortable I am on planes due to my size. Weird, I know. But when you have a large butt it limits your ability to move in your seat to be comfortable. There is not enough space to put your feet under you or just scoot to one side to shift the weight as you are already taking up all of the space you have available to you. Not to mention the feeling of being in the way because people you sit next to feel comfortable enough to take both armrests and not give it up at any point. So you squeeze your shoulders together to make yourself as small as possible. If you for a moment could try and sit like that in your chair amd then ask yourself. How comfortable would you be after 8 hours on a plane? Not very. I know plane rides are never comfortable but most would have a couple of inches to move around in or even be small enough to have their heels be on the edge of their seat so they can shift their position. Imagine not even being able to do that… frustrating. And I am on planes often enough that one of the things that keep me motivated is the fact that I might just be a bit more comfortable. Odd I know, but whatever gets you through the urges of binging.
Another inspiration is the hope that one day I will not be sweating profusely when I go down in the subway during summertime. I know it is hot down there but I literally have to bring a wash cloth to help me not look like I just ran a marathon. I hate the subway in summertime.
Then there is the usual, want to fit into clothes better without seeing that extra bump or two in the side or the front for that matter. Or just not look twice as large as anyone else in a picture. Or simply when you see a piece of art where you see the most perfectly shaped woman and you use that as your ideal to reach.
My husband and I had a conversation about me being overweight and he was trying to understand why and if there was anything he could do to help. Have I said just how much I love him? He asked me, why do you overeat. What is the psychological need to do that? My reply was along the lines of: It started out with me wanting to hide and be small. After my reply he looked dumbfounded and simply blurded out: You do realize that overeating does the EXACT opposite, right?
Although, I know that is the case, I never really thought of it like that and that conversation to this day is a huge inspiration to me. Eating whatever I want is counter intuitive to what I really want and need. So it is something I think about several times each week.
I follow bloggers and influencers, who inspire me and share the same struggle. They sometimes have insights, good ideas, recipes etcetera. But most of all, it is the sense of not being alone in your struggles and having a sense of community where it is not odd that you want to be comfortable in your seat, not hate how your tire sticks to yourself when you workout or that you constantly check if you are in the way because you are that much bigger and really uncomfortable in your own skin.
There are so many ways to find your inspiration, what keeps you going both small and big. My biggest inspiration is my husband. I know it is cliche but that is the truth. He is next to me and hates it when he is not. He loves me even when I am imperfect. And he is my biggest supporter. Pushes me when I really don’t want to be pushed but need it. Supports me when I just want to stuff my face and puts things in perspective and rallies around me when I have triumphs. He is the person with the biggest heart that I know and that is something to beat as most of my friends are up there when it comes to their love, support and acceptance during both good and bad times. Am I the luckiest woman on the planet or what???
It’s a good day!