Week 7: Time To Concur A Fear

Week 7, this week I will skip the pictures besides from my number above. As you can see I managed to loose almost 2lb (1kg). I am pretty proud of myself. 2lb includes 4th of July celebrations and my husband and I’s three year anniversary.

This week will be about me facing or at least acknowledging my fear of loosing weight. I know this sounds odd but hear me out.

First of all, when it comes down to loosing weight, I am the one who needs to do it. I am the one putting food in my mouth and I am the one making the choices about what I put in and digest. I am also the one who makes the decision about when to go to the gym and how long and hard that workout needs to be. I have talked myself into eating things I should not and skipped the gym when I shouldn’t and I will probably keep doing that until the day I die but if I could just somehow be okay with not using food as an excuse or a tool. A tool to hide from the world, a tool to not reach my full potential that would be a wonderful day.

Like most people who are overweight, obese or just think they weigh a little too much, I have tried so many different things. Here are just to mention a few:

• Electricity through my body (which my mother brought me to as a teenager)
• Diets (the amount of diets a innumerable at this point but I tried the first with my mother, cabbage diet I believe was the first one, then the Atkinson diet and I could go on and on and on)
• Well meaning suggestions but somehow they always came out cruel (my aunt and uncle thought it appropriate to tell me every time they saw me that I should bike more, did I mention that I biked at least 7miles (10km) every day as a teenager? They were convinced that then I would loose weight – they believed me to be overweight – mind you that I was technically not overweight, I just looked that way. I was 5 feet 5 inches (1.65 meter) and weighed between 132 and 143lb (60-65kg))
• I tried starving myself (No one really noticed that I did not eat. I would sit with my mother and my step-father at the very small table, yet they never noticed that I sorta just bounced the potato back and forth, would pretend going for seconds and sit down with even less than when I got up to get seconds and then bounce the potato back and forth again, as if I was still eating – mind-boggling today but I did not think of it back then).
• I tried trowing up after every meal or at least whenever I had a meal and that would usually only happen once a day (this lasted for almost a year and a half and I was never as skinny as then (120lb/55kg), although probably not the most healthy).

Suffice to say, none of my strategies were a huge success. I am obese and I have never weighed as much as I do now. Which leads me to think, that I am going at this weightloss thing the wrong way. If I look at what I have already gone through and if I ask myself, why do I feel the need to hide, that might lead me somewhere. If I could crack the code of WHY and combining it with a little bit of love and respect for myself, no matter what other people think, then I might get somewhere.

When I read this, I sorta wanna cry… I seems a little daunting and just the fact that I have to realize that I really do not like myself, I don’t love myself and least of all my body. It is a shame as I do think I am a good person who cares. I try to do my best every day, I just get hard on myself and question why I feel the need to point out every time I fail, instead of giving myself a pad on the back and tell myself that I did an amazing job and be proud of the good choices that I have made instead of getting down on myself for the bad choices that I make.

Perhaps, it is time for some soul searching and figuring out why I feel the need to hide, why I am so hard on myself. I already have an idea of some of this but I think that is what some of my posts will have to be about. Brutal honesty. The good, the bad and the very very ugly.

I will have to apologize as I know that I might hurt some people along the way but I think the only way to the other side is through and that is not a time to be considerate and think about how other people feel. It is time that things are about me and what I need to do in order to heal and get the most out of life. I owe it to my husband, I owe it to my family and I owe it to myself, most importantly.

Be on the look out for the next weekly post!

xoxo