Week 7: Time To Concur A Fear

Week 7, this week I will skip the pictures besides from my number above. As you can see I managed to loose almost 2lb (1kg). I am pretty proud of myself. 2lb includes 4th of July celebrations and my husband and I’s three year anniversary.

This week will be about me facing or at least acknowledging my fear of loosing weight. I know this sounds odd but hear me out.

First of all, when it comes down to loosing weight, I am the one who needs to do it. I am the one putting food in my mouth and I am the one making the choices about what I put in and digest. I am also the one who makes the decision about when to go to the gym and how long and hard that workout needs to be. I have talked myself into eating things I should not and skipped the gym when I shouldn’t and I will probably keep doing that until the day I die but if I could just somehow be okay with not using food as an excuse or a tool. A tool to hide from the world, a tool to not reach my full potential that would be a wonderful day.

Like most people who are overweight, obese or just think they weigh a little too much, I have tried so many different things. Here are just to mention a few:

  • Electricity through my body (which my mother brought me to as a teenager)
  • Diets (the amount of diets a innumerable at this point but I tried the first with my mother, cabbage diet I believe was the first one, then the Atkinson diet and I could go on and on and on)
  • Well meaning suggestions but somehow they always came out cruel (my aunt and uncle thought it appropriate to tell me every time they saw me that I should bike more, did I mention that I biked at least 7miles (10km) every day as a teenager? They were convinced that then I would loose weight – they believed me to be overweight – mind you that I was technically not overweight, I just looked that way. I was 5 feet 5 inches (1.65 meter) and weighed between 132 and 143lb (60-65kg))
  • I tried starving myself (No one really noticed that I did not eat. I would sit with my mother and my step-father at the very small table, yet they never noticed that I sorta just bounced the potato back and forth, would pretend going for seconds and sit down with even less than when I got up to get seconds and then bounce the potato back and forth again, as if I was still eating – mind-boggling today but I did not think of it back then).
  • I tried trowing up after every meal or at least whenever I had a meal and that would usually only happen once a day (this lasted for almost a year and a half and I was never as skinny as then (120lb/55kg), although probably not the most healthy).

Suffice to say, none of my strategies were a huge success. I am obese and I have never weighed as much as I do now. Which leads me to think, that I am going at this weightloss thing the wrong way. If I look at what I have already gone through and if I ask myself, why do I feel the need to hide, that might lead me somewhere. If I could crack the code of WHY and combining it with a little bit of love and respect for myself, no matter what other people think, then I might get somewhere.

When I read this, I sorta wanna cry… I seems a little daunting and just the fact that I have to realize that I really do not like myself, I don’t love myself and least of all my body. It is a shame as I do think I am a good person who cares. I try to do my best every day, I just get hard on myself and question why I feel the need to point out every time I fail, instead of giving myself a pad on the back and tell myself that I did an amazing job and be proud of the good choices that I have made instead of getting down on myself for the bad choices that I make.

Perhaps, it is time for some soul searching and figuring out why I feel the need to hide, why I am so hard on myself. I already have an idea of some of this but I think that is what some of my posts will have to be about. Brutal honesty. The good, the bad and the very very ugly.

I will have to apologize as I know that I might hurt some people along the way but I think the only way to the other side is through and that is not a time to be considerate and think about how other people feel. It is time that things are about me and what I need to do in order to heal and get the most out of life. I owe it to my husband, I owe it to my family and I owe it to myself, most importantly.

Be on the look out for the next weekly post!

xoxo

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Week 6: Moving Chaos

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Week 6, I have to apologize for my absence. In the beginning of June (right after my last post) we were told that our lease was up and it was time to move out. If you are a friend who are or have lived in New York you know the challenge of finding an apartment here in New York so everything was set in to finding an apartment and thus, my blog suffered.

But I am back! Not much lighter but considering the circumstances I am just happy that I did not gain. I went down to 239.4lb (108.59kg) which was a loss of .6lb (0.3kg). It was a time of eating out and stressing. First with finding a place and then having to move and live among moving boxes for the first week.

After 2 weeks of intense searching we found the perfect apartment and I am living without a roommate (I do not consider my husband my roommate 😉 ) for the first time in almost 8 year. It is a miracle! Never thought that was going to happen. Apartments here in New York are expensive and often small if you do not look in the right neighborhood. We were lucky enough to find a rent stabilized apartment in our favorite neighborhood and we only had to move 3 blocks away. Yay! It is still quite an increase from what we used to pay but we thought why not? We can afford it now and we have lived with roommates for a long time. My husband has lived with roommates even longer than me (coming up on 10 years). It was time for a change.

So here we are after packing and moving and spending a few days looking for extra furniture and unpacking. You do not really realize how much crap you have until you move and we have agreed that nothing gets put away unless we have both gone through it as we need to get rid of stuff. There are boxes that has not been opened the past 10 years so who knows that is in them. I dread the day we get to those boxes. It is going to be all Yankee and ex-girlfriend memorabilia. Just found a pillow case with “Mike, I love you! – Name of ex-girlfriend. Eak! Well suffice to say.. said pillow case is no longer with us.

Here are a few pictures of the chaos that is our home at the moment:

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The kitchen is the most sorted room so far. We picked up a kitchen cart yesterday which is not in the picture But it will be located be the window you can see on the left side.

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Our new entry way. With a tall closet and our buffet table (currently holding all of my empty bags). Should be nice once everything is set up so in a couple of month you will see the final result. I hope!

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Our living room. Some has been set up but as you can see it is mostly holding all of the stuff that we actually have to go through. Mind you we have already gone through roughly 10 boxes worth of stuff and we have thrown out 4 box, 3 boxes to give away and we have kept 3 boxes. I like how we are headed with this sorting.

My challenge now is to find days where I can go to the gym and still have time to cook, unpack and so forth. I do have long work days so time can be challenging. Especially, when I insist on at least 7 hours of sleep. But I hope with summer Fridays (every other Friday I get off at work) that I can eventually make a dent in all this stuff.

I must admit. I have not had the great start to my weightloss that I thought I would have but at least it is a weight off my shoulders finally having my own place and I now have a chance to fulfill my need for nesting. I am female after all…

XOXO

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Week 2: Already Off Track

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Week 2, what can I say. Yes I lost a bit of weight (2.2 pounds/1kg) but I definitely, did not do what I could. I was a bit too generous with myself. It is a constant struggle of not eating that cake, croissant or ice cream that is right in front of me. I can’t put myself in an environment where there is no cake, ice cream or what have you. At work they have it, my husband has it and honestly, even if I do not have anything at home, I just go to the local store and get whatever I want. There is no self control at this point. I am a bit furious with myself, to say the least.

I wish there was a magic wand where I did not crave sugary and fatty things. No hypnosis is not for me, I do not take drugs in any way (I even have declined happy pills for my depression) so it is all based on will-power and being honest and open.

Sometimes when I read about peoples opinions about overweight people (you know what kind of comments I am talking about, you might have read them yourself, written them yourself or tried defending obese/overweight people in the comments section) and how we should simply just stop eating. It puts me in a unique position to think about people that have culture, habits and so forth so deeply ingrained in them that things do not “simply” change because you say so and this is even contingent on the fact that people want to change. It makes me wonder if we as a species are doomed?

But enough of the self pity… I am back on the horse and I am determined to go to the gym 3 times this week and attend the Bryant Park free yoga Thursday evening. So stay tuned for more on that front.. Should be hilarious pictures. I am so not a yoga person but I need to switch it up once and a while and also, it is all about the adventure. Who would not want to try yoga with 500 other people in a beautiful green park in the middle of New York? It is full on Sex and The City!

See you soon, feel free to join me for some yoga fun on Thursday!

XOXO

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Week 1: Butterflies

My first week, my first post. I have butterflies. This is what is going to set the tone for my blog, it is now that I commit for the first time in my life, it is now that I truly break away from what my parents and I taught myself growing up.

I know, I will make mistakes, even though I know it is natural and OK, it still freaks me out. So much is at stake. Years of my lift is at stake at this point and I have already done damage to my body. I can no longer ignore the fact that I am obese. I am struggling with high blood pressure, high cholesterol (not just due to being overweight but family history) and an addiction. I am addicted to sugar, fat… food. I think about my next fix as soon as I have finished my first. When I was younger, I was the one who would barely eat, throw up if I did eat because I was feeling so disgusting. I was anorexic and bulimic. Now, I eat, feel disgusted with myself and eat some more because that moment when I eat, I do not think about anything but what I am eating. It is a vicious circle. I have gone to therapy and I have been part of Weight Watchers, I have wanted to get friends to lose weight with me. I have tried it all… except for 1 thing. I have never tried being honest. This is my pledge. I will be as honest as I can be with everything that I write, as open about who I am, what I eat, how much I exercise. I have nothing to loose at this point.

It is a bit scary as I have always hidden my eating habits. Not even my husband knows how much I at times can eat in one sitting. Every time I see a TV Show or read a blog, I feel people change their lives drastically and honestly, how many of us has that kind of freedom or the desire to change our lives where fitness becomes the main focus of our lives? Not me. I want to go out and have fun, I want to explore, I want to have adventures. Which is why I named my blog A Weightloss Adventure.

I want my cookie and I want to have fun while eating it but I also want to be healthy. That is what my blog is about. Having fun, allowing some of the foods that I love while still striving for a healthy and normal body.

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We love being goofy

I do believe if you need to lose weight, you need a goal. My overall goal is to loose 100lb (45kg) but I want to take it in chunks and I want to take my time. If I want my cookie as well, I need to arm myself with patience.

So with that said, I believe it is time to walk through my first week. My status report.

I started my first week with a weight of 242.2lb (109.9kg). Measurements were 50″ around my hips, 42″ around my waist, 47″ around my bust and 17″ around my arms. I am 5′ 5″ so you can calculate that I am in the obese category.

I think I carry myself well. I dress well. Which means that I have been able to hide just how overweight I really am. So there it is. The image proving my weight.

It has not been an easy week and I have definitely had my fair share of things I should not have eaten but I have been able to keep my overeating to a minimum and I look forward to seeing what the scale says tomorrow morning.

See you tomorrow!

 

 

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